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THE SADISTICALLY DARK AND COMPLICATED ME

THE SADISTICALLY DARK AND COMPLICATED ME

I am sure everyone knows me. Well, everyone? Am not sure about that. Okay, then let’s have it this way, I am sure most of you know me. You have met me and I will share the details of our meeting in the end of this short write-up.

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I am quoting the above fact so that I could avoid introducing myself. Does refusing to self introduce myself make me a humble person? I don’t know, may be yes, may be not. Because the truth is that am lazy and short of words to talk about myself. It is also because of the fact that I have a really interesting, incident to share and I am sure it will provide the necessary information regarding myself.

I know a bit about you too and am sure some of you might be already scratching your head, trying to decipher what I am trying to convey. If that’s the case, just look again at the title. Yes, I am complicated and I am an extremely hypocritical person. My views and ideologies change often, at times within minutes. Does that make me a politician? No no, I am definitely not a politician.

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I would also like to share that I am a proud writer and I tend to get carried away with certain things while am writing. Please don’t mind it, ignore it the same way you ignore the darkness in the world, forget it the same way you forget politics the moment you leave a tea shop. I believe it is easy for you all.

So, coming to the point, I am here to share an incident I had with a friend of mine, who I believe is a good soul, and is in a way indebted to me. I helped him timely when he was facing a crisis, and what made the help a great deed was the fact that nobody came forward to help him which partly became the reason for me helping him. I helped him believing the deed will be remembered by many and most importantly, him. Oh shit, I am definitely not humble. I am such a disgustingly proud person. I want my readers to note that I am extremely honest, as honest as a drunkard when am writing. Consider this a warning because, honesty isn’t alluring, honesty, most of the times is disturbing because truth is always hard to digest.

So I helped him out of the crisis and was seriously expecting some appreciation from the society and from my best friend too. I secretly wanted the both make me or see me as someone great. But as always happens, society betrayed me and my best friend betrayed me too. Betrayed in the sense, the both didn’t act the way I wanted them to. They moved on with life as if I did nothing which hurt my ego. Shit, I now realize how great an egotist I am.

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So that particular day, I had some seriously bad encounters and I desperately was in need of confidence. I badly wanted someone to say how good a person I am and what great character I was. I called my best friend.

“Hello” he said.

“Hey, how are you?” I said. I intentionally made my voice to sound caring, expecting it to remind him how sweet I had been to him.

“Yeah, what about you?” he said. The normalcy in voice hurt my vanity and I decided to try harder.

“I am okay. I was thinking about you and just felt like knowing how you are doing” I said and seriously believed I had made the right move and anxiously waited for his reply.

“Ya. I am perfectly okay. Thanks” he said again with the same normalcy in his tone.

“What the fuck?” I said to myself.

“I am really pleased to hear that mate. I am really so happy. You sounding fine and happy has literally made my day” I said with such hatred within me. I badly wanted him to acknowledge my kindness, my timely help and he not at all minding it or giving it the required recognition evidently hurt my pride.

“It feels good to have someone check on me” he said and I knew he smiled. I felt faintly relieved.

“Finally” I said within me. But I wanted more.

“I will always be there for you” I said and at once regretted.

“I could do better than that”  I thought.

“I had always been there for you and I will always be there. Don’t worry” I said before he could reply. I felt good as this was something like a direct reminder.

“I know” he replied.

“Fuckkkkk…” I wanted to yell.

“That’s good” I managed to say though I was burning within.

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“Ya” he said.

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“You know, I just had a bad day and I feel great talking to you” I don’t know why I said it, but something made me utter it.

“I feel so glad to help you. It is one way I could repay you for what you did to me” he said and I almost jumped.

“No no mate. Don’t ever feel indebted. I did nothing” I said with so much humbleness in my voice to hide the serious, intense and hungry growls of pride within me.

“No, everyone just fucked me off and you were the only one who stood by me. I am forever grateful to you. You are such a nice person” he said.

“No no, I just did what I am capable of. I just did my duty as a friend, it’s nothing mate. You are talking big words and this deed doesn’t deserve all this appreciations” I said. Oh, what a humble soul I am, or am I?

He then talked about me for a few minutes and hung up. I cherished all his words and I remember it till now. But when analysed carefully, I realize how complicated I am. I am a man brimming with extreme vanity, I craved for attention and appreciation, and can you digest what I did when I got all those I longed for? I refused it with such humility. And that very humility with which I refused him, satisfied the appetite of my proud mind.

I did all those stupid, cunning manipulations which made him appreciate me, just to prove how humble a person I am. At that moment, the extreme humility I expressed was just the mere reflection of the extreme pride I had within. Oh, how complicated is my soul.

The moment I realized this I genuinely felt bad about myself. I started analyzing everyone around me. And eventually I started feeling good, it happens right? When everyone around you is as evil as you, as dirty as you, you start feeling good about being evil and dirty. So the same happened with me too and it completely erased off any regrets I had. If at all someone catches me doing this thing, I just say, “Everyone does it” and believe me those three magical words convinces everyone.

self_reflection

Now coming to the whereabouts of our meeting. Not everyone, but most of you see me everyday, at least once. I am just you, your reflection, or in other words a reflection of your inner self.

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